My dream just last night

It started out at a PTA meeting requesting that we take these flowers away because the have nitroglycerine in the thorns. All of the parents we passing the children back and forth so some could talk and those who already talked could help with the kids. Well the meeting go over with, I don't remember how it ended but Eliza and I ended up in an old brown house that was ours. I put her down for the night and started playing a video game. Not five minutes into the video game I had beaten it like never before. Then the floor flipped over under me and I was in a different dimension. It was a bustling Italian street. I remember there was a fortune teller table. I stopped and asked for directions but they gave me a metaphor instead. Nathan Had found me in this world with a basket of chocolate in hand. Wanted to make sure I was okay. he said he knew the way back and was just tagging along to make sure I didn't get myself in a mess. A girl on skates rolled towards us with blond hair, Tiffany Peterson, and said this way.We followed her to her master who was under ground, portly, slightly gypsy looking, and had a big smile. I remember he looked at Nathan funny and I quickly responded that he was my brother. We I didn't have the product he was looking for but Nathan recommended that he try the chocolate. After the chocolate touched his tongue he was excited to start producing it. The marble floor we were standing on separated and a mote came alive in between. The chocolate started pouring out on the marble floor now and made perfect indentations for the large chocolate bar. I was standing near the edge of the mote watching this whole process happen when the portly man wrapped his arm around my waist and fell into the mote with me. I remember hearing him talking to me underwater. And I remember the feeling of panic of drowning and his chubby fingers feeling in between my legs. But then, just then, I breathed in, and it wasn't water. It was air. My panic subsided and I kicked the man off of me and started clawing my way to the top. Once my head breached the surface of the water I started feeling for the side of the walkway. I felt a hand reach down to me and Nathan pulled me up. A minute later the portly chocolate boss climbed out of the river and a laughed slightly. I responded halfheartedly, to save the business relationship, 'that isn't where your money is'. He laughed and he said he liked my style. Nathan wasn't happy about it though. Understandably. The chocolate portly man Offered me $700,000 for all of the chocolate he just made. I took it. Nathan and I left and went back to our world. After a little shopping of course. And we were back in time for Eliza to wake up.

Friday thoughts

There are things inside you that no one wants to face. Things that you keep secret, even from yourself. But secrets are funny. The things you try to hide always turn out to be the things you can't forget.

Nothing lasts forever, ive learned this lesson over and over again.

I guess there's always something out there to hide from, something out there you just can't face. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi. So you'll hide for as long as you can, but that's not easy either, all that hiding... Five Mississippi. In the end, what you were so afraid of turns out not to be so scary after all. Six Mississippi, seven. Because you have to know that if you're hiding, more often than not, your fears will come looking for you.

I dont know what I want anymore

My depression hits me in the Noon, and I dont know how to get back again

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Well Instead of being depressed I decided to go get a manicure and eyebrow wax instead. The little asian lady was the sweetest thing and fixed my broken nail. Her name was T and im definatly going back there in two weeks. She felt.... motherly. After that I went to the mall and bought new clothes, pecifically a cartigan and I love it! Shopping made me feel better. Not forthe shopping part, but for the making me shiney and new part. And now im back at my apartment and ive lost all motivation. :( Damn. Im not going to let this get the better of me

Mid afternoon thoughts. Beware

I need to get out of this haze
I need to put something in my stomach
Oatmeal with Raisens
Im going to spend the day in silence. If only to be truely honest and patient with myself to write this down.
People call and bitch about the wierdest things.
And now Im laying in my apartment, completely alone, learning how to deal with it. Yay... Good luck to me.
is learning how to be with myself. I never knew that it could be this... emotional.
Maybe we just play the part for a couple of hours before the curtain falls.

I hope this will reach you, a long shot itg would be, but something one needs to take a chance to reach out to those who will be:
as much as this must hurt you, it will.
Life hurts.
but Life goes on.
You have to remember that life life goes on.

Renewed hope...ish

This is me trying something new.
I want to learn from myself and try to find myself
I love my daughter but she is exhausting
I want to love her the way I didnt feel my mom loved me.
But maybe it was all myfault.
Maybe I did push my mother away.
It did feel nice giving her a hug though. Maybe it was all my fault.
I can do this. Ive got this in the bag,
My life s in my hands
And I have to make something of it
Jeremy is coming home soon and then things will be better.
Bittersweet I say
But defiantly sweet.
I have to get rid of this bullshit guilt.
Things are going to be good again,
I will stick to this and hopefully get a basis for my thought pattern.
I need to figure that out for most
One day ill get it, and I will use this
to help me get there.

Ill get there